When You Live For Others, What Are You Living For?

Los Angeles, California

It’s been a hot minute.

A while ago, I felt my creativity slipping away. It felt like sand in my hands and no matter how hard I gripped and scooped more sand into my hands, the minuscule sized grains just kept flowing, through my helpless and frustrated fingers, back into the ocean. So, I gave up. I stopped full emergency brake and just shut everything down. 

Mind you, I was also working full time with an hour-long commute. I had a small child. My husband traveled an average of 5 days a week. I was running my photo business with all the pressures of social media. All while managing a household. My plates were all precariously spinning. I knew I was balancing on the edge of a knife and then pandemic hit and my therapist said “shut it all down”. Stop the spinning plates. 

So I did. I took it down to the brass tacks of job, kid, husband, and house. Even then, it was a lot.

But deep down I also had gotten lost. I felt like why share my words and my art when it seemed like I was shouting into the void. I was lost in wanting the dopamine of likes and numbers and follows. Like those were the only proof that what I was doing was good and worthy. It morphed into proof that I WAS WORTHY. And that’s just awful. 

Here I am years later, in an entirely new life, and I’ve been feeling the quiet nudges of inspiration. She has been speaking in my ear while I am going about my day. The thirst has been increasing with the feeling it can only be quenched with action. With doing the work. With laying words down into sentences and no longer creating for the feedback but instead creating for the release. The feeling of getting it out from inside my heart and soul and changing it into a full fledged piece outside of me, walking around in the world. 

It only could happen with a lot of inner work. See, those years ago when I was lost I was at a realization I didn’t know who I was anymore. I had molded myself so fully into the environments I was in to fit their needs and wants of me that my true self was shoved into a tiny box and locked away because it didn’t seem useful anymore. There were flickers here and there of my true self at times. But as soon as it would flare, someone or something would remind me it was “too much” for the space I was standing in, so I’d shut it back down again.

I’ve spent some time unpacking that inner box I shoved into the corner. It meant looking at things I didn’t like along with the things I do love. It meant no longer presenting sides of me molded for the space I was standing in and instead, presenting exactly who I am all the time. Embracing the ideology of “If I’m too much, go find less”. It’s such a  relief to no longer keep trying to hold people close to me who don’t really want all of me and instead let them float away and find the souls remaining to be worthy of me and my awesome.

Today when the creative whisper inside me said “Go listen to THAT playlist. Ya know, the one you created, full of songs that make you feel deeply. The one you’ve been avoiding for a long time because each song typically evokes a thought or an idea and forces you to introspect”, I listened. It’s not a pleasant playlist sometimes. Some songs bring really dark and deep emotions to the surface. Some force me to think of what it’s saying and apply that to my life. But no matter what, the songs almost always make me lift up the rock and see what’s underneath, pleasant or not. 

Now I am typing away and sharing finally because the lyrics “Well, I've been afraid of changin' 'Cause I've built my life around you” rattled my cage into action. A song most of us have heard a million times and yet that line stood out like a spotlight to me. The reminder that the idea of ascribing to a life lived for others feels awful and unworthy. I’m so much more than that. It provoked me into action to share how I’ve been trying to live and to finally get my words out of me.

Embracing the ideology I listed before, if this all feels like too much for you, then go find less.

And for those of you remaining to see what else I have to offer, I see you. And I appreciate you. 

“At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want” - Lao Tzu 

Creativity Takes Courage

NYC - Central Park Bethesda Terrace

I recently dyed my hair purple. Bright Grimace/Barney purple (you remember them, right? Am I dating myself? Did either of those characters give you nightmares too? Or was it just me?). Now, before you go imagining my head looking like a grape, it’s not ALL purple. I mixed it in with my usual copper red and it’s just enough where people look again and ask “Do you have purple in your hair?” and I answer very proudly “Yup”. I know purple hair isn’t everyone’s cup of tea (my husband isn’t really a fan but he also said it’s my hair) but you know what lesson I have learned recently in life? I don’t have to shape myself to other expectations – just what I love. What makes me happy? Having purple hair makes me happy and that’s all that matters.

It takes courage to step outside the normal boxes. It takes having a DGAFlip attitude on the surface and then making sure your insides are along for the ride even when you may be having some doubts about it (fake it til you make it, right?).  That’s true courage, in my opinion. Therefore, I can call myself Captain Courageous for rocking out the purple hair and not caring (I was tempted to rhyme there but I can only nerd out so much before you all kick me to the curb).

San Diego, California

You know what else takes courage? Creativity. And honestly you can’t be a truly creative individual until you believe in yourself. If you worry too much about failing, about what others think, and about standing out from the crowd - all of these worries will lead to failure. Or not even trying at all.

I hear people tell me all the time they aren’t creative. When people say that to me, I can guess they are either in 1 of 2 groups.

Group 1: They don’t realize something they do often is actually very creative

or

Group 2: They have lost the courage to try

Do you think you aren’t a creative person? Which camp do you fall into?

Maybe you are someone who doesn’t realize you do something creative all the time and are overlooking it. Just because you aren’t putting a paint brush, glue gun, or musical instrument in your hand doesn’t mean you aren’t creative. Do you cook? Garden? Do interior design? Journal? Love fashion? Makeup? Hair? Tattoos? Reading? Karaoke? Pairing your rainbow colored kicks collection with your outfits? All of these (and so many more) are ways you are being creative and don’t even realize. Knock it off. Give yourself a hand. You are not giving yourself enough credit.

NYC - View From Empire State Building

So, what about if you are in Group 2, where you’ve just lost the courage to try and be creative? Remember how I dyed my hair purple? If I let fear dictate my choices, I’d still be walking around with normal hair (but wishing deep down inside I had purple hair). If you want to be more creative, you just gotta suck it up and DO IT. Harsh words, I know, but don’t let fear of failing or sucking at it prevent you from trying. You know how creative people become more creative? They fail. Yup, they try something and fail and then take those lessons learned and try again – and again – and again – and then hit their stride. In these days of social media, you don’t know this anymore because people only share the awesome stuff.

One of my biggest regrets as a photographer is I spent the first 4 years of running my photography business being afraid. I was afraid to break the “rules”. What rules? Oh, the ones I kept hearing photographers spout on different message boards or comments on Flickr saying things like “too much Photoshop”, “looks fake”, “good photographs need minimal editing”, etc. What if they said that about me and my photographs? So, I tried (and failed) to follow those rules. It’s not the first time I’ve been a failure at following rules. Guess what? Remember that DGAFlip attitude? Now, I make my own rules. More color? YES. Brighter? YES. Blow out the sky? SURE, WHY NOT. If it makes my heart happy – that’s the only rule to follow.

Paris, France - Notre Dame Cathedral

I also was afraid of trying something different and then finding I hated it but realized quickly that’s the only way to grow. I edit photos all the time and then go back weeks/months later and decide I don’t like it and I will just start over. It happens. What do I learn? How NOT to do it. What else? I am refining my own taste.

What does this soapbox rant mean? I swear I have a point. Don’t let your fear of sucking at something prevent you from trying it. Don’t let that be your excuse of why you aren’t a creative person. Cuz if you tell me that, I will call you on your bullhockey and say “WHOMP! Try again. Give me a legitimate reason for not doing it”. It doesn’t have to be perfect. It just needs to be attempted. Progress NOT perfection.

What’s the only rule? HAVE SOME FREAKIN’ FUN, people. That’s it. Enjoy it. Laugh when your dessert you attempted to create falls apart from the oven (and then smile in delight when it still tastes amazing despite looking like a literal hot mess). Add alcohol into the equation and make it a friends night together trying something different. If it’s not fun it’s not worth doing.

It takes courage to be creative. You have it in you but it just might take thinking outside whatever self-limiting box you’ve imposed on yourself. So how are you going to do it? You don’t have to dye your hair purple like me (although I would welcome you into the Purple Durple Hair Club with the most open arms ever) but there’s something fun and different you’ve been interested to try. Now is the time. Do it.

P.S. If you are looking for something super simple and low barrier to entry for being creative, try coloring in those new coloring books for adults (no, not THAT kind of adult. As in – coloring books with designs that are less Care Bear and Disney and more patterns and shapes). Here are some examples on Amazon. 

P.P.S. Did you notice the theme of the photos?